Wednesday, January 26, 2011

where i've been....where i am (part 3.~ the pregnancy)

It's going to be hard to explain this next part.  I was really excited about the pregnancy, but there was something inside of me that just didn't feel right.  At the time, I thought it had to do with the year our family had.  Also, a really good friend of mine had a miscarriage just about a month before, so I was thinking about that as well.  I mean, how could I not?  Never-the-less, I couldn't shake this feeling inside me.  I guess if I had to describe the way I felt with just one word, it would be uneasy.  Everyone in our families were so excited; Patrick (my husband) and Ilyssa (our daughter) included.  I just couldn't get to the point of excitement like they were.  Not because I didn't want to have this baby, but because this feeling I had 24/7 wouldn't go away.  And I was the only one who felt it; I just felt like something was gonna go wrong.  I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but this feeling was horrible.  Call it coinsidence; call it paranoid; call it mother's intuition...whatever you want, but it wouldn't go away.

When I was five weeks pregnant, we took Ilyssa to Patrick's mom and dad's house to go swimming.  I wasn't feeling the greatest that day and I was just thinking it was because I was pregnant, but that feeling was still very prevalent.  It was nagging and I thought I was gonna go crazy.  I was tired of it, and I just wanted to know that everything was gonna be okay.  We stayed at the pool for a couple of hours before we decided we should head home and get Ilyssa in bed for the night.  Before we left, we all went to use the bathroom, since we had like a 30 minute drive.  It doesn't sound long but when you have a pregnant lady and a six year old...  When I sat down to use the bathroom, I noticed for the first time the blood.  I sat there and silently freaked out.  It wasn't just a little, but it wasn't a ton either.  Either way, it was there; it wasn't normal in my opinion; and I had that insane feeling still that something was wrong.  I got out to the car where Patrick was and told him.  After I told him, I started to cry.  The tears just kept coming.  I was scared out of my mind that I was losing the baby.  On the way home I started having mild cramps and still couldn't quit crying.  I didn't want this to be over. I wanted this baby more than anything and I would do anything to protect him. 
As soon as we got home, I called my doctor.  By this time Patrick and I both were in tears.  He prayed over me and the baby while we waited for the doctor to return our call.  Both of us were a nervous wreck.  When the doctor called us back, I explained to her what was happening and all she could say was that I was threatening to miscarry and that if anything got worse to go to the ER immediately.  Also, she said to stay off my feet and get as much rest as possible.  So that's what I did.  The bleeding eventually stopped but the pain in my stomach got worse.  The whole next morning I was still hurting, so we decided to just go to the hospital.  I cried the whole way there.  I didn't want them to tell me or show me that our baby was gone.  I couldn't imagine the pain it would cause all of us.  I just didn't want to go through what so many women have to go through.  

When we got to the hospital we really didn't have to wait long...and we were so thankful for that.  We just wanted to know if the baby was okay.  They did an ultrasound and there he was.  All it took was to see his tiny little heartbeat for me to lose it.  He was okay.  He was still alive!!  After the doctor checked me, he told me, just as my doctor had the night before, that anytime you have bleeding in the first trimester they consider it a "threatened miscarriage".  It certainly didn't mean I was going to, but I had been bleeding and cramping so that's what it was...a threatened miscarriage.  Well, two weeks went by pretty uneventful.  Nothing else happened, but that feeling was still right there inside of me, taking over me.  The morning of my 7-8 week check up, I started bleeding again.  I couldn't believe it.  Again?...but why?  Everything was going well, so I thought.  I was just glad that we were on our way to the doctor's office.  When we got there, she checked me and my cervix had blood on it, but she said it didn't look like it was an active bleed.  Meaning it was older blood from that morning.  She couldn't tell where it was coming from.  They did another ultrasound on me, and again, the baby was fine.  And again, we were rejoicing.  The ultrasound showed that the pregnancy was viable and they didn't see anything that looked concerning.  They had no idea where the bleeding was coming from.  I still was threatening to miscarry so I wasn't able to do anything.  No exercise, no sex, no major housework, etc.  After the bleeding started that day, I had it off and on throughout the pregnancy.  

Fast forward five weeks or so...still bleeding.  I had a doctors visit just about every week leading up to that point.  And every time the baby was still doing great.  My doctor's were telling me that some women just bleed the whole time they are pregnant and since everything was still looking good, except the bleeding, we should just be cautiously optimistic.  At 12 weeks I was peeing like never before.  I had to go constantly.  I mean I would get up in the middle of the night like six to eight times.  It was insane.  I thought it was normal because I was pregnant and my uterus was only getting bigger.  I talked to my mom about it, and she and I were joking because I told her that I couldn't hold it when I had to go.  It would just come out with no warning.  Ever since I had my daughter I had had a weak bladder, so I was just thinking that this pregnancy was making it worse.  When I was 13 weeks, I met my good friend Melanie for breakfast ( the one I mentioned earlier) and was telling her all about my potty woes.  She suggested I call my doctor, again, because she said it sounded like I had an infection.  I just thought if it didn't let up in the next couple of days, I would call.  That afternoon, when I was standing in the hall at Ilyssa's school waiting to pick her up, I started having these extremely sharp pains in my lower stomach.  They were so bad, they made me have to lean over.  They were powerful and very painful.  I couldn't wait to get home so I could lay down.  As soon as we got home, I had to use the usual.  When I sat down, I was horrified because the pad I was wearing was soaked with blood.  I absolutely freaked out.  I called my husband at work right away and told him what was going on.  Then I called my doctor who told me to get to the hospital so they could check me out.  Here it was again, still, that feeling.  This is it.  My normal optimistic self was no longer.  I was just plain over all the scares.  I was over the bleeding, the pain, the bad thoughts, the doctor's visits and trips to the hospital.  I just wanted a normal pregnancy.  Unfortunately, that is not what I had or would ever have with this baby.  After getting all the tests back, they said I had a UTI.  Again, the ultrasound was good.  The baby was perfectly fine and my pregnancy was still considered viable.  What a relief!  If I could just get rid of this infection then maybe everything would be okay, I thought.  Well, they sent me home on antibiotics. However, the pain would not go away.  In fact in got worse.  It was on the left side, really low and by Friday I could barely walk. (I went to the hospital on Wednesday)  I had a follow-up appointment on Friday and I was so glad because the pain was horrible and the bleeding was pretty heavy.  I saw the nurse practitioner that day.  She was very concerned, because at that point I was in my second trimester and she said I shouldn't be bleeding.  Apparently, second trimester bleeding gets treated differently than first trimester bleeding.  She cleaned off my cervix and put me on complete bed rest until I could get in to see the high-risk doctor that following Tuesday.  We went home and I was feeling miserable.  I was so confused as to what was going on in my body.  All I wanted was to stop hurting, stop bleeding and deliver a happy, healthy baby in February.  Later on that night, I started running a fever.  This was after I had been on the antibiotic for two days already.  I knew something was really wrong, but I thought I just needed to give the medicine a little more time to work.  But by Sunday, the fever had only gotten higher.  And I was in so much pain, all I could do was lay in bed and cry.  I talked to my mom on the phone that afternoon and she said that I needed to call my doctor right away because there should be no reason for running that high of a fever, especially after being on antibiotics for four days.  So I called...again (they knew me very well at this point).  My doctor said to get to the hospital ASAP because she was afraid the UTI had spread to my kidneys and if that were the case I would have to be admitted.  We only had to wait in the ER for about 15 minutes before they got me back.  I think I must have looked horrible, because they didn't mess around getting me tested and checked out.  When the ER doctor came in and told me my white blood count had gone up since the Wednesday before, I was devastated.  She said they had already called my doctor and they were waiting for her to get there.  They were already in the process of admitting me.  I was very sick and I knew it.  When my doctor got to the hospital, she checked me and said it felt like my cervix was opening up.  My husband and I both lost it.  I knew that you can't have a cervix open at 14 weeks and expect the baby to make it.  Although, after having yet another ultrasound done, we saw that my cervix seemed to be fine and the baby was still doing great.  I couldn't wait for this nightmare to be over, except the true nightmare hadn't even begun.

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