Sunday, February 27, 2011

February 27

Since I lost Nathanial, I have had many ups and downs. Recently, I 'm happy to say, I've had mostly ups!  I know it's okay for me to still have days where all I want to do is cry. As long as I don't let those days define who I am, I feel like I can just sit and cry if I need to.  Today has been one of those days.  Today is the day I officially close this chapter in my book and begin a new one.  It has been a bittersweet day for me, mostly bitter, but some sweet.  Sometimes I still try and make since of it all, but all it does is drive me crazy.  I know that I am pregnant with a new baby, but you have to know that my heart will always ache for the one I lost.  That does not mean I am not thankful or in love with this precious gift, because I SO am!  It just means that I am a mother who lost a child and that still makes me sad.  This afternoon, I came home from church and went straight to bed.  That's all I wanted to do because when I am in my bed, I can cry in peace.  I cried for the baby I lost and I cried for the child I will never get to hold.  I also cried for the one I carry and for the one I WILL bring home!  The bitterness of my day was the realization that I will never have Nathanial here with me.  He will never get to have me kiss him and hold him and rock him to sleep.  The bitterness I had today was because I lost someone that I fought so hard to protect and keep inside me until the right time came for me to meet him.  That day should have been today.  I should have had the chance to finally meet him, but instead I just weep for the one who is in heaven waiting on me.  I knew today was coming and that it was going to be hard.  I just didn't expect it to effect me the way it did.  It also made me long for this new baby more than ever before.  It made me think about the amazing miracle that is growing beautifully inside of me right now.  I am grateful for the chance to carry another baby and that's where the sweetness came in.  While it was a sad day for me knowing I will never have Nathanial here with me on his due date, it made me cherish this pregnancy more than ever! God has been good to me!  I feel his loving arms around me and I am so thankful for his embrace.  He is my protector which is why I know I will get to meet this baby in September.

Today, I am letting go of Nathanial.  I am going to let him be where he needs to be.  Today has been a huge day of closure for me.  It's so sad, but it's what I need.  I will NEVER forget him, he will ALWAYS be in my heart, but I can't hold on to the sadness and bitterness anymore.  Even just a little of that can bring me down in an instant.  He will always be a part of our family and will always be my son.  You will continue to hear me speak of him because he will always be a part of me, but it can't control me anymore.  I am having a baby in September and I can't wait!  He/she will be my third child and I'm so excited to write about my new adventure with this little one in the future. 

February 27th is almost over.....chapter whatever, can soon begin!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

9 weeks

We went on Monday for my 9 week appointment.  I was so excited to go because I knew we were getting to see the baby again on ultrasound.  I love going to the doctor when I'm feeling great.  It makes a world of a difference when you go because its routine rather than an emergency.  I saw the mid-wife, which is who I will deliver with.  Well, she is one of the four or so that I might deliver with.  I really like them all, so whoever will be great!  Anyhow, nothing really happened.  Everything is going wonderfully.  I was a little worried because I've been having these, at times, really bad pains again.  And I don't have anything normal to compare having really bad pains with. I didn't have any of these weird pains with Ilyssa, and Nathanial's pregnancy was far from normal.  So of course, I assume that something is wrong.  I kept telling myself,  it's nothing... just normal growing pains... don't worry, everything is just fine.  And I was right!  Apparently, with each pregnancy, growing pains get worse.  While it makes me just want to lay in bed all day and not move a muscle, I'm so glad it's something that is completely normal.  It's a beautiful change that I welcome whole-heartedly!  

I'm so thankful for where we are right now.  I'm so thankful that at 9 weeks, our baby and I are doing great!  I thank God, each moment of every day, for giving us another chance at having a baby.  I'm already so in love with this precious gift growing inside of me.  I remind myself daily that while pain certainly does come in the night, the sweet joy of Jesus ALWAYS comes in the morning!  Our Spring is coming, and I've never been more anxious in my life to receive it!!