Sunday, April 10, 2011


Choosing a name can be a difficult task.  At least for me and Patrick it is.  I'm all about meaning and if the name says something to us, and whether it will mean something to our children one day.  For us, a name is important.  I mean, you have to live with it...forever, unless it's so awful you decide to change it when you're older.  I just want to save my children from having to do that; so why not start out with something that has been given some thought and truly means something. Which is where we are right now...we have made a decision on what to name our sweet baby girl!  It was so significant for us and overwhelming in a good way.  I have to admit I did shed some tears when we put it all together. That's how much this name means to me, to us.  And I hope you all grow to             love it just as much as we do. So without further a do;)... ...Kaitlyn Spring Greer will come into our lives in September and we absolutely can't wait to meet her!! 

Now to explain where it came from and the significance behind both of her names.  Starting with Spring.  It might seem kind of obvious, but there is more to it than what you probably think. After we lost Nathanial, I bought Steven Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise" album.  He sang at the Women of Faith conference I went to in September sometime.  The songs he sang really hit home to where I was in life at the time, and I wanted to hear the rest of this album.  Each song on the CD was written at different times in his own grief after losing his daughter in a tragic accident.  These songs became my life; a vessel in which the Spirit used his sadness and sorrow as a way for me to find some healing.  He offered the real and bitter, but sweet and transforming testimony of his own tragedy to others, like me, as a way to find peace in what seemed like a hopeless time.  One song in particular, which is the one in the video at the top, was a song that we played over and over again.  It was a song that moved us in ways I can't explain.  I felt like it was written just for us.  I mean, after all, I felt dead to the world; just like the leaves on trees and the grass in the fields all die in winter, I felt the same about me in a sense.  But that song reminded me that after every Winter comes a Spring.  There will always be the bitter cold, dark all the time, dead plants and hidden animals, but thankfully there will also be the new life, green grass, singing birds and budding flowers to follow, (which is funny now that I write that because Ilyssa really wanted to name her FlowerBud, and I told her that would have to be her special name for Kaitlyn just for the two of them.)  Anyhow, much like life...everyone will, at some point, experience sadness, pain and sorrow.  Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart, I have overcome the world."  The amazing thing is though that everyone will also experience the wonderful, filled with joy, on top of the world feeling as well.  That song "Spring is Coming", was a constant reminder for us, that indeed, our Spring would soon arrive. Little did we know at the time, that it would "literally" mean that.  I wanted to name my blog that because I believed it.  I believed that I would heal and I would find peace again.  I believed in the promise of that song.  Not long after we found out I was pregnant, Ilyssa pointed out to us that we should name her Spring.  She's always been dead set on having a sister, and she knew that song all too well.  She thought that would be a perfect name and we agreed whole-heartedly.  I knew we would have a girl.  I didn't tell many people that, but I couldn't believe God would give us such a perfect story and not give us the girl to go with it.  Our "Spring" truly is coming, in every since of the word and we can't wait to receive her with open arms!  You have to listen to the song...then you will understand where I am coming from a little better! 

Next, Kaitlyn.  Kaitlyn came about a really cool way as well.  We knew Spring would be her middle name, no matter what, but we couldn't find the perfect first name.  Every week I get the updates of my pregnancy sent to me through e-mail.  So when this weeks came, I decided to use the baby name finder that is part of this site.  I was just typing different names that I have heard or thought were okay in the search box.  And this site is really cool because when you type a name in, a whole list of that name pops up with a million different ways to spell it and other names very similar.  Next to the name you have the option of clicking on similar names as the one you chose or sibling names that go with it.  I had come across Kaitlyn on one of the "similar name" ones, and told Patrick I really liked it.  I was very relieved when he said he liked it too.  You know how it is...I like one, and he doesn't, and vice versa.  So I was excited that we agreed on one.  After looking for a while, I decided to type Ilyssa's name in the search box just to see what would pop up under the sibling names.  I was surprised when Kaitlyn was there.  Then I decided to see what would come up under Nathanial's name; and I was even more surprised to see, once again, Kaitlyn listed with the other sibling names that go with Nathanial.  When I went back to Ilyssa's name to see if there were any other names that were also under Nathanial's, I couldn't find a single one.  I couldn't believe how Kaitlyn's name joined the other two together.  It was very emotional for me.  I knew that we had just found the rest of her name.  And it helped that the Hebrew meaning for Kaitlyn is "pure".  I mean, who doesn't want their daughter's name to mean pure?? ;)  We will call her Kaitlyn, and keep Spring sacred and unused to the rest of the world.  She is already so special to us.  She is that ray of sunshine that finally breaks through the cold winter clouds to warm up everything.  She is the "new life", in every aspect, that Spring brings with it every year.  We will share her and she can be your "Kaitlyn"....but she will always be our "Spring"!!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I have so many things to be thankful for.  I could go on for ever and ever really; life is that good right now!  I just love what God is doing in me and through me.  I've made a lot of progress over the past few months and I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit who has guided me out of despair! There is nothing more powerful than feeling and knowing the Spirit of the Lord is at work in me and through me.  I trust that my life is going to be used for great things for the Kingdom!  It's kind-of weird because I don't have any specifics really that I can share.  It's not like I've sold everything I own and am moving across the world.  I'm just making some significant changes that might lead me, in the future, to be able to drop everything...deny who I am according to this world, pick up my cross, and follow God wherever He leads me.  That's who and what I am striving for.  I just have some work to do.  Although, if I've learned anything this past year, it's that God's timing is far different than my timing.  I have finally accepted that!  I have been praying that I really learn how to be a servant, and that I can discern between what the world says a Christian is and what the Bible says a Christian is.  I know there is a big difference; I'm just trying to work out all the details.  I want to be amazing for Christ; not for me, my husband, my daughter, family or friends.  Only Christ! That's what I'm working on.  That's all that matters!  When my life is truly based on how I live for Christ, I know the rest will follow!

On a pregnancy note ;)  things are going great!!  We had a couple of scares over the past few weeks, but nothing major. The up-side of having scares this go round' is that I get to see the baby more frequently.  Of course, I would rather not have any scares, and only go to the doctor at my regularly scheduled visits.  Nothing is worth the pain and worry that accompanies "the scares", even if it means seeing the baby on ultrasound more than the average pregnant woman.  I got a really bad case of the flu about a month ago and lost four of the five pounds I had gained.  I was a little bummed about that, but I quickly gained it all back and then some ;)  I think I'm doing pretty good though with the weight thing because, for the most part, I am still able to wear all my regular clothes (jeans and all); and I'm almost 16 weeks!  For those of you who know me really well, you know that weight, pregnancy or not, is a HUGE thing for me.  But I'm doing okay considering.... I started feeling the baby move several weeks ago; just the flutters, but it's such a magnificent feeling no matter how strong the movements are.  Every time I feel them, I literally stop and thank God for the opportunity He has given me to have this baby and get to feel such amazing things inside my body.  Having a miscarriage truly puts this pregnancy in a whole new perspective for me.  I don't take ONE-SINGLE-THING for granted.  I soak it all in....from the migraines that I get constantly, to all the throwing up I did. To all the sleep I have lost because my body thinks my new bed is sitting on the toilet instead of lying on a mattress!  I'm thankful for it all!  I wouldn't change any of it for the world...I'm simply just thankful to have this chance again. What's really exciting is that this past week the baby's movements have gotten much stronger, so much so that tonight Ilyssa was able to feel him/her move for the first time.  She was so overjoyed and thanked God for it during her bedtime prayers!  Now it's Patrick's turn ;)   We find out what we are having in about two weeks.  Yep...these are gonna be the longest two weeks EVER!  We are all very anxious and so very ready to know.  I am definitely not the type that can wait until delivery day to know.  No way...I'm the type that has to know like yesterday ;)  I've really never been good with surprises; why start now, ya know?  

So, overall, life is just wonderful!  I praise God and give Him all the glory with each new day He blesses me with.  I'm just so THANKFUL!!!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

February 27

Since I lost Nathanial, I have had many ups and downs. Recently, I 'm happy to say, I've had mostly ups!  I know it's okay for me to still have days where all I want to do is cry. As long as I don't let those days define who I am, I feel like I can just sit and cry if I need to.  Today has been one of those days.  Today is the day I officially close this chapter in my book and begin a new one.  It has been a bittersweet day for me, mostly bitter, but some sweet.  Sometimes I still try and make since of it all, but all it does is drive me crazy.  I know that I am pregnant with a new baby, but you have to know that my heart will always ache for the one I lost.  That does not mean I am not thankful or in love with this precious gift, because I SO am!  It just means that I am a mother who lost a child and that still makes me sad.  This afternoon, I came home from church and went straight to bed.  That's all I wanted to do because when I am in my bed, I can cry in peace.  I cried for the baby I lost and I cried for the child I will never get to hold.  I also cried for the one I carry and for the one I WILL bring home!  The bitterness of my day was the realization that I will never have Nathanial here with me.  He will never get to have me kiss him and hold him and rock him to sleep.  The bitterness I had today was because I lost someone that I fought so hard to protect and keep inside me until the right time came for me to meet him.  That day should have been today.  I should have had the chance to finally meet him, but instead I just weep for the one who is in heaven waiting on me.  I knew today was coming and that it was going to be hard.  I just didn't expect it to effect me the way it did.  It also made me long for this new baby more than ever before.  It made me think about the amazing miracle that is growing beautifully inside of me right now.  I am grateful for the chance to carry another baby and that's where the sweetness came in.  While it was a sad day for me knowing I will never have Nathanial here with me on his due date, it made me cherish this pregnancy more than ever! God has been good to me!  I feel his loving arms around me and I am so thankful for his embrace.  He is my protector which is why I know I will get to meet this baby in September.

Today, I am letting go of Nathanial.  I am going to let him be where he needs to be.  Today has been a huge day of closure for me.  It's so sad, but it's what I need.  I will NEVER forget him, he will ALWAYS be in my heart, but I can't hold on to the sadness and bitterness anymore.  Even just a little of that can bring me down in an instant.  He will always be a part of our family and will always be my son.  You will continue to hear me speak of him because he will always be a part of me, but it can't control me anymore.  I am having a baby in September and I can't wait!  He/she will be my third child and I'm so excited to write about my new adventure with this little one in the future. 

February 27th is almost over.....chapter whatever, can soon begin!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

9 weeks

We went on Monday for my 9 week appointment.  I was so excited to go because I knew we were getting to see the baby again on ultrasound.  I love going to the doctor when I'm feeling great.  It makes a world of a difference when you go because its routine rather than an emergency.  I saw the mid-wife, which is who I will deliver with.  Well, she is one of the four or so that I might deliver with.  I really like them all, so whoever will be great!  Anyhow, nothing really happened.  Everything is going wonderfully.  I was a little worried because I've been having these, at times, really bad pains again.  And I don't have anything normal to compare having really bad pains with. I didn't have any of these weird pains with Ilyssa, and Nathanial's pregnancy was far from normal.  So of course, I assume that something is wrong.  I kept telling myself,  it's nothing... just normal growing pains... don't worry, everything is just fine.  And I was right!  Apparently, with each pregnancy, growing pains get worse.  While it makes me just want to lay in bed all day and not move a muscle, I'm so glad it's something that is completely normal.  It's a beautiful change that I welcome whole-heartedly!  

I'm so thankful for where we are right now.  I'm so thankful that at 9 weeks, our baby and I are doing great!  I thank God, each moment of every day, for giving us another chance at having a baby.  I'm already so in love with this precious gift growing inside of me.  I remind myself daily that while pain certainly does come in the night, the sweet joy of Jesus ALWAYS comes in the morning!  Our Spring is coming, and I've never been more anxious in my life to receive it!!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

****NEWS FLASH****

Alright, so you all know what we have gone through the past several months.  But what you may not know is how much we wanted to get pregnant again, and how bad all three of us want another baby.  We totally expected to try and have another baby again, but we didn't expect to get pregnant without even trying!!  I am so proud and happy to announce that God has given us the gift of another baby in my belly and we couldn't be more thankful and more filled with joy (because, seriously we are beyond happy and thats what joy is).  This pregnancy is totally a "God" thing, because I got pregnant when we weren't trying at all.  Also, only God can orchestrate such amazing things, and time things so perfectly.  I am almost 9 weeks and due September 4, 2011.  Just because you may have forgotten or don't know, we lost Nathanial September 1, 2010.  So that makes me due only three days after the worst day of my life just one year before.  Our prayer is that I will deliver either on that day or bring this new little one home on that day.  How awesome would it be if we could have a reason to celebrate every year on September 1st, rather than it be a day of mourning.  I have never wanted to deliver so close to my actual due date.  We are super excited and I can't even begin to explain how excited Ilyssa is.  We didn't start telling people until she knew, because last time we told certain people before her and she wasn't too happy about that.  So this time we wanted her to be the first to know.  It was so fun, because we checked her out of school and took her with us to my first doctors appointment.  At first she had no clue because she was so consumed with playing her Ds.  Then I made her put it down so she would pay attention to all the questions the nurse was asking me regarding how I was doing with this pregnancy.  She finally caught on and was so shocked.  She just kept asking if I really was pregnant.  It was super sweet and she can't wait to be a big sister.  She will be the best one ever!!  Seriously though, I have so much peace about this pregnancy, unlike the last.  I have asked for this peace everyday, and everyday it is mine to receive.  We couldn't be happier, and I couldn't be healthier.  God is so good to me...I truly do not deserve his grace and his mercies that really do come new to me everyday.  Yaaaaayy!!!!!!!

where i've been....where i am (part 5. ~ the really hard part)

We finally got released Wednesday afternoon.  That was a great feeling.  I couldn't be happier going home.  As soon as we got home, around 3 or so I guess, I went straight to bed.  I was exhausted and still felt pretty bad.  Not nearly as bad as the previous week, but not the greatest either.  I slept for probably 2-3 hours.  I think I woke up somewhere around 5:30 or 6 that evening.  And when I woke up, the pain was different.  I was more crampy than I had ever been.  I tried to eat some dinner that Patrick's mom brought us but wasn't really in the mood.  I just couldn't get comfortable, so I came back to bed.  I had Ilyssa come in my bed with me to read to me.  I love to sit and listen to her read; it makes me happy.  She's the sweetest and I was hoping she would help me feel a little better.  But the cramps kept getting worse, and honestly, at this point I wasn't thinking anything was going wrong.  Just a few hours before, at the hospital, we heard the baby's heartbeat one more time before we left.  It was in the 150's and strong.  It sounded great!  I kept thinking everything I was feeling was related to the infection going away.  So you can understand the absolute shock I went in when laying in bed a gush of water came pouring out of me.  I seriously thought I had just peed on myself.  But the only difference was that I couldn't control it or even begin to stop it.  I ran to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and hollered for Patrick.  He had been in the room with us while she was reading but he stepped out for whatever reason.  He came in the bathroom and by this time the "cramps", that we now know were contractions were so strong, I could barely stand it.  The water kept pouring out of me, then it turned into blood clots.  I told Patrick through tears that this was it, we were losing the baby.  I'm not sure if he was in denial, or if he really thought everything was gonna be okay, but he told me nothing was gonna happen.  That we had had so many scares this pregnancy and this was just another one of them.  Through many tears and lots of pain, I tried to tell him that this was really it this time.  I told him my water broke and I was having contractions.  Before the blood clots started coming out, I called my doctor.  Of course we got the answering service since it was after hours, but the doctor wasn't calling back.  Things just kept getting worse.  I think Patrick finally began to understand what was going on because he started turning white and the look on his face is one I will never forget.  He was terrified and sad and confused, just like I was.  About 20 minutes went by, and we still had not heard from the doctor, so we called back.  When I was on the phone with the answering service for the second time, I realized that my life was beginning to turn into a living hell.  It was horrible...a true nightmare.  It was the thing that haunted me every time I stepped foot in my room and bathroom for five months after.  It was the thing that kept me up at night for many weeks.  It was the reason my bathroom door had to stay shut while I was in the room.  It was the thing that made me feel like I was going to be crazy for the rest of my life, that I would never be a good mom or wife again.  That I would lose all my friends because I couldn't get past it.  It was the reason I lost 15 pounds and slowly started sinking back into an eating disorder that I had control of for many years.  It was the reason I cried myself to sleep and sat on my front porch after I took Ilyssa to school every morning until I had to pick her up in the afternoons.  I cried then too.  I cried all the time.  Uncontrollable tears drenched everything I touched.  I was traumatized beyond belief.  It was the reason I barely stepped foot in my bathroom much less even sat on my toilet for almost 5 months.  It was the reason I almost lost everything I ever believed in and why I felt so overwhelmed to open my bible and read it much less believe anything it said.  It was the reason I became angry at the world, angry at all the other women who still got to be pregnant and not lose their babies.  It was the reason why I distanced my self from everyone in my entire support system other than Patrick.  No, I couldn't get enough of Patrick.  He was there with me when our lives fell apart, he was with me while my worst nightmare came true.  He was there when I felt something different come out of me.  When I reached down to wipe it away because I thought it was another blood clot.  He was the one I screamed for when I realized it wasn't a blood clot, but our baby's foot.  He was the one who caught me in his arms when I threw myself off the toilet after I realized both of our baby's legs were hanging out of me.  He was there, right there with me when the next contraction made me push the rest of our baby's body out of me.  He never left me, not even when I lay on the floor screaming for help, for somebody, anybody, to help me.  He was there the whole time our baby's poor body was lying helpless, hopeless and lifeless on our bathroom floor.  He was there when my body began to hemorrhage so bad I thought I was losing all of my blood and dieing.  He is the man that never left me, who cried with me and who held me.  He was the man that stayed as calm as possible even though I knew he was a complete wreck on the inside.  I'm so glad I married him; there is no one else on this earth that could ever complete me the way he so flawlessly does.  I love him more now, than I ever thought possible.  It's so sad that such a terrible tragedy could bring two people closer together than ever before.  That night was by far the worst night of our lives and I am so thankful it bonded us together the way it did instead of tearing us apart like it could have.

Somewhere in the midst of everything that went sister and Patrick called 911 at the same time I think.  Apparently, I was screaming so loud, I woke Ilyssa up.  Unfortunately, she heard everything going on.  I am so thankful my sister was here taking care of her for me when everything happened.  Looking back I know God took care of all the small details that we wouldn't have been able to take care of ourselves.  When the ambulance got here, I was laying in a pool of blood in my bathroom floor, covered in it.  Terrified and in shock at all that was happening.  I was still having severe pain from the contractions, and still crying and rambling on and on about my baby.  They had to cut his cord; and when they separated him from me...I lost it all over again.  They carried me to the stretcher in our hallway and I remember looking down at the floor at all the droplets of blood thinking this can't really be happening to me.  The baby was perfectly fine just hours before.  How is this even possible?  As soon as they put me on the stretcher I told the paramedic that I needed to push again.  I told her I thought the placenta was trying to come out.  So I pushed and it came out.  It was horrible.  I had to ride all the way to the hospital with it under me.  The saddest part of the entire night to me was seeing the other paramedic carry our baby out of our bathroom in a see-through, plastic evidence type bag.  I was so upset.  He was a human being and didn't deserve to be put in a plastic bag.  He was my baby who was just alive and well inside of me only a few hours before and that dingy, cold, plastic bag was no place for my child.  It was heartbreaking and gut wrenching.  Then to know that he was right behind me, hanging on the bar of the stretcher, in that God awful bag with the plastic hook at the top, and not in my belly thriving anymore was too much for me to handle.  I technically had a miscarriage because I was under 20 weeks, but I'm telling you, I delivered a baby that night.  He looked just like a real baby only much smaller.  He was only about 4 or 5 inches, but he was my baby that I will never get to hold, or kiss, or watch grow up, and brag about to other moms.  He was my baby that I will never get to bring home from the hospital and show off to everyone around me.  He will never get the chance to ride a bike or go to school.  He will never learn to walk or talk or pick on his big sister.  That was my baby I never got to really say hello too, so then, how in the world am I supposed to say goodbye?  How am I supposed to picture him in the arms of Jesus instead of lying on my cold, dirty, soaked with blood bathroom floor?  How am I supposed to get the nightmare of that night out of my every thought?  How am I supposed to go on living a normal life when life is by far anything but normal anymore... and anyways, what does "normal" even mean? How am I supposed to stop feeling guilty and ashamed that my body failed us and let go of him way too soon?  The questions could go on and on forever.  These are just a few of the questions I asked myself over and over again.  And one by one, I started getting answers to them.  Trust me, it didn't happen over night.  In fact, it took months before I opened myself back up to receive any of the answers.  I can't tell you how many times, I literally cried out to Jesus.  I would scream at the top of my lungs for him to take the pain and the memories away from me.  I fought a very hard battle; I'm still fighting to a certain extent.  I still get really sad from time to time and I probably always will.  The only difference now is that it's a lot easier to handle.  I miss that sweet baby so very much.  We didn't have much time together, but I loved him with all that I was from the moment I found out he was inside of me.  Nathanial, (yes he was a boy), will always be in my heart.  That's as close as I can get him to me.  I will always be waiting for the day that we finally get to meet, for real.  With no blood, no sadness or heartache.  I know he is waiting for me and I can finally see him exactly how he should be...perfectly whole, happy and in the loving arms of Jesus!

I couldn't wait to get the pathology results back.  I was hoping for some kind of answer as to why the pregnancy ended.  When the doctor told me that Nathanial was perfectly fine and that my placenta had a severe infection...I lost it.  All of those feelings of guilt came flooding back.  I couldn't quit blaming myself for all that went wrong.  It was my body that failed him...if it weren't for my stupid body he would still be alive.  My body killed him because it literally couldn't hold on to the placenta anymore.  I know that really bad things could have happened to me too, but at the time I didn't care.  I just couldn't believe that it was me...that I was the reason for everything.  These were a lot of my thoughts when we found out.  It did help us understand why his heart rate was normal and his heartbeat was strong.  My doctor said that he didn't die until my water broke.  Because I was just shy of 15 weeks, he couldn't survive yet outside of the womb.  Looking back, I'm glad we found out,  because at least now we know.  Now I know that the pain I was having in the center of my stomach in the hospital was because of the infection.  And looking back, I know the reason all the pain was gone after the placenta came out was because that was the source of the problems.  At the time though, it was not easy hearing the news.  It's just all so sad to me...even to this day.

To all the people I shut out of my sorry for that.  But now you kind of understand what we went through the night that sent me over the edge.  I'm coming back...I'll never be the same, but when has God ever wanted us to stay where we are?  Thank you for letting me share our story; it means a lot!

where i've been....where i am (part 4.~ the hospital stay)

When I was admitted to the hospital that Sunday, I was sort of relieved.  I thought, finally, they are gonna figure out what is really going on with me, fix me, and send me home.  And I won't be back until February when it's time to really deliver this baby.  I guess, really, I was just trying to convince myself of that, because deep down I didn't think that was true.  While I was in the hospital and several days before I was admitted, the bleeding I was having turned into more of an ooze of bloody mucus.  Every single time I sat down to use the bathroom it would literally just ooze out of me.  I kept thinking it was just from the infection.  I didn't want to believe that it could be something worse, so I found myself not even going there mentally.  On Monday, they sent me down for an ultrasound of my kidneys.  They wanted to make sure I didn't have any kidney stones.  I was so excited to go down, even though every little movement of my body made me hurt worse than I ever had before, I was hoping I would also get to see the baby again.  I was right; the ultrasound tech. said she couldn't do a scan of a pregnant woman's kidney and not look at the baby.  That was exciting!  It would also be the last time I would ever see him alive and moving around, so perfect with a strong heartbeat.  It truly was a gift that I will forever be thankful for.

During the day that Monday, I slowly started feeling a little better.  The pain wasn't nearly as severe as it had been the previous days.  Feeling better gave me a little hope that the medicine was working and we would get to go home soon.  By Monday evening, I was feeling a lot better.  It was still hard to move around, but my fever was gone and that in and of itself was making me feel horrible.  I soaked it up.  I hadn't felt that good in a long time.  Unfortunately though, it didn't last.  In the middle of the night that night around 1:00 or so, I woke up in a horrible sweat and in so much pain.  Only this time, the pain wasn't on my left side like it had been, it was right in the middle of my stomach.  Right where my uterus was.  It wasn't a crampy type pain, but rather a very deep, sharp pain.  I woke Patrick up, and we called the nurse in.  She said she would call the doctor; she could tell something was wrong.  Well, to my surprise, 12 hours and 3 more phone calls later, the doctor finally showed up.  I don't even want to go into how angry and hurt I was that it took that long for a doctor to show up.  It's not even worth it, but let's just say I was not happy!  Anyhow, when she got there she was pressing on my belly outside of my uterus and I thought I was gonna die.  It hurt so bad; it was ridiculous! She told me my kidney's looked great and my white blood count had finally started going down.  The numbers still weren't normal, but at least they were going in the right direction.  She just assumed the pain I was feeling was still related to the UTI, but this particular doctor from the practice, was a moron.  Sorry, but she totally is in the wrong perfection.  I will never see her again for any reason.  Her bed side manner was awful, and I felt like she couldn't get out of my room fast enough.  She also thought it was a better idea to see the patients in the office before she came to the hospital to check on patients who were far worse off than the healthy moms coming in for their regular checkups. Yeah, I got a visit from her on her lunch break, (so glad she could fit me in)!  Okay, so I didn't mean to go on that rampage, but whatever, I guess I'm still a little bitter about that.  So needless to say, the pain never went away.  I felt way worse on Tuesday than I did on Monday.  Melanie and another friend of mine, Natalie, came to see me Tuesday morning.  I was so relieved to have friends there because Patrick had to go to work and I was so sad being alone feeling like I did.  They couldn't have showed up at a better time. (Thanks again you!)  Well, as the day went on, I still didn't have any signs of getting better.  And on Wednesday morning, early, another doctor from the practice came in to see me.  She is the kind of doctor every woman should get the chance at having.  She was amazing and got the high risk doctor in my room within the hour.  When the high risk doctor showed up.  I had to tell her all about what had been going on...the pains, the oozing (because it was still horrible), the everything.  She told me the oozing was probably my mucus plug coming out, but that it didn't necessarily mean that my cervix would open up because she said our bodies constantly make the plug, so I didn't worry too much about that anymore.  She was sending me home on complete bed rest and wanted to finish the rest of my pregnancy high risk.  I was glad for that because I knew they would keep a close eye on me.  I was really excited when Dr. Slade, my regular doctor, came back in and said they were releasing me that afternoon.  I hadn't had any fever since Monday, and my counts were looking even better.  What a relief!  So that feeling I had all along, was starting to sort of fade, it wasn't gone, but I kept thinking that what had just happened was what I was feeling all along.  That the worst was over and I was gonna go home and continue getting better from the infection.  Everything would just be normal for once.  Yeah, that didn't happen.